Pandemics, Pain, and Perspectives

I admittedly have a lot of pent-up frustrations and concerns from the pain of the past couple of weeks. I'm bringing back this blog as my coping tool.

"I can't breathe" is a cry heard 'round the world. These national and international protests in the aftermath of George Floyd's murder have cast the eyes of the world on our nation. In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, this national movement for America's black communities has certainly made 2020 a turbulent year.

Living here in Chicago, it was almost inevitable that mass protests would be organized here. Not too long ago, Laquan Mcdonald was repeatedly shot to death by a police officer, and it caused citywide protests (including one I witnessed from afar at my own university). Again, protests from the Black Lives Matter movement have resurged in the Windy City, face-to-face with a police force that many of them seek to reform or abolish.

Reading up a bit on Chicago's history--I recommend A Political Education by Elizabeth Todd-Breland; it's an infuriating read that does leave some room for hope--I have become slightly more aware of the legacy of racial segregation in our own city. I've also been forced to check my own biases (even the inherent racial ones that I thought I managed to completely suppress), and learned to listen to other perspectives. Protesting isn't quite my lane, and I admittedly still profess some attachment to CPD officers (the ones that I know, at least), but the nationwide significance of the George Floyd protests has shaken a lot of my preconceived notions about American society.

But I'm not here to write on proposals to reform or abolish institutions. This here is an individual's thoughts, and these are not to be taken as an official endorsement of any side of this issue.

I'm exhausted from sharing resources and listening to people over DMs and phone calls. I'm human too, so I get fatigued and I need breaks. But my heart still aches for our nation, our city, and any remnants of humanity that are left amidst the brutality and the rioting. I want to keep being optimistic and friendly, even as I acknowledge the ugliness of this issue, but I fear my optimism will be shot down as toxic positivity.

I may not see the end of this issue. In fact, many of us may not see it end completely. But, what I think does matter is our faithfulness to nourish and sustain humanity for the next generation. We might not resolve all the issues, but at least we can make this world better for our children to manage and continue the work.

Do I have disagreements with friends? Of course I do. But I won't let such disagreements dehumanize the people I love; in the end, we grow and learn from each other, and we pass on the lessons. Does it hurt? Of course it does. But it guarantees a stronger platform for us and the next generations to thrive.

We are all carrying a heavy cross up the hill, but the cross is not the final reality. There is a moment of resurrection and renewal, and the cycle begins again. It does seem repetitive, but I think this cycle continuously allows us to maintain a mature outlook on the harshness of the world. This dynamic of positive and negative, I believe, is what gives us the opportunity to express the selfless aspects of humanity.

I might write more on this, but I'll conclude my thoughts here. Thanks for stopping by.

My Own Place, My Own Pace

Well, another semester begins. Having technically been a student at my university since 2013, it almost feels routine. The anxiety and the excitement that used to come with every year of undergrad is slowly withering away as I do my degree plan at my own pace.

Suddenly, I don't feel an urge to graduate "on time". There's really no one that I'm looking forward to graduating with (to all my friends and colleagues reading this, I mean no offense). I've walked the stage before, and it seems all good and done from that point onward. After getting my bachelor's degree, it's basically been a free-fall through my goals and career aspirations.

It's been a rough transition, though. In my humble, little free-fall, I crashed into several branches and other obstacles. I entered graduate school with my old undergrad mentality of finishing the degree within the societal expectation of two years. Unfortunately, my rush led to one of the worst burnouts I experienced in my academic life. I wound up seeing my old family psychiatrist for some input and advice.

It turned out that I let myself conform to the inhuman machinery of societal pressure:

Don't you dare slow down or fall out.

Finish within the track that's posted on the degree plan.

No one wants the stragglers.

When I let those voices get to my head, I unfortunately paid the price with regard to self-care and sleep. A lot raced through my head, way more than it should have been. By the end of the year, I was mentally unfit to continue on the rush track.

I have to personally give my utmost gratitude to my psychiatrist and friend for waking me up to the reality of my situation. Truth is, I have a unique story that shouldn't be confined to mere societal expectations of a graduate student's track. I run at my own pace, and I fall where I will. A graduation year is but a number, but self-care is priceless. Who cares if it takes me an additional year or two? I have my own story to write, and my chapters can be as long as I want them to be.

Human growth is not a race, and it shouldn't be. The only person you need to worry about surpassing is yourself. Be better than your yesterday, and the results will come at a natural time for you and no one else.

The Real Next Steps

Sitting alone in my house, I decide to let myself rest for the remainder of my day after having completed some needed chores over the weekend. I gave my old iPod a charge and listened to some good old worship music which I hadn't heard in months.

Though I do have a preference for traditional Sunday Masses and Divine Liturgies, I like a good Hillsong United, United Pursuit, Matt Maher, etc., on my playlist. When I'm not in the church, I like to reflect and meditated on the go by playing Christian music on my playlist. There's something about this music that soothes my soul and reassures my heart.

One of the songs I listened to was Matt Maher's "A Future Not My Own". It's a fairly recent release from this Catholic artist, and the album overall (Saints and Sinners) is great.

Throughout my life, I've always felt some degree of incompleteness. Even though I manage to resolve one issue, a few more show up, causing more self-questioning and sometimes even frustration. I always felt like I was running in circles whenever I thought about the next step I had to take in life, thinking that I wasn't really making any positive progress. But, after having listened to this a couple of times, I see that how I saw this situation was not quite how God was seeing me. Looking back, wherever I found initial frustration, I realized that was God redirecting me according to His plans, not mine.

There's a saying I've seen circulate in a few homilies and Instagram posts that goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." In previous years, I thought I had everything figured out for myself until I found a turning point that changed my outlook on how I conducted myself in life and faith. I didn't know from the start that I was going to be part of CFC-YFL, much less SFL. I didn't know from the start that I was going to join the Army. I didn't know from the start that I wanted to pursue a teaching degree.

Overall, whatever outlook and plan I started off with, it's not what I'm thinking of today. It might change or not change tomorrow, but I'm starting to put a little more trust in God's plan for me (an issue I still need working on). I know He's busy shaping me and directing me to where He knows I can better myself in how I practice my life and my faith.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11

My Raw Future

It was a weird feeling when I got out of college. I transitioned into basic training and AIT, and when I got out of that and came back to Chicago, it felt even weirder. In the years leading up to this, I've had relatively smooth transitions between education levels from grade school onwards, easily anticipating what I was going to go through next.

Not this time. Although I've already applied for an online graduate program and am currently anticipating a transition to graduate school, I find myself in a rather awkward state. I flounder about, occasionally job hunting and squaring away a few tasks at home. I go back to my old school and socialize with my friends who are still riding the college struggle bus (though many of these will soon graduate this semester. Good luck, guys!). This floundering makes me feel like I don't quite know what I'm doing exactly in the now.

Sometimes, when I'm alone at home, the uncertainty gets a bit tense. The "I don't know" of the now becomes the "I don't know" of the years to come. Sure, there's a game plan for the future, but can such a plan be sustained with what I have now? There is so much to think about.

But I realize I'm getting rather impatient and, as a result, I see myself jumping the gun. I realize that I'm only just beginning to get a bigger taste of the world beyond the bachelor's degree. I need to get a feel for my surroundings and know them before I tackle the goals head on. It takes time for a hot meal to fully cook, and eating it now will leave a bad taste in your mouth and will probably also send you to the hospital.

Patience.