Thank You, Chester.

I was driving back home, with my phone hooked via AUX cord, and this song started playing:

I haven't delved deep enough into Linkin Park's music enough to consider myself a fan, but, in light of Chester Bennington's passing (as late as this post may be), I wanted to share how this particular song brought closure to one of the darkest chapters in my life.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

A year prior to the release of Linkin Park's A Thousand Suns (the album in which this song is found), I was facing multiple struggles in my first semester of high school. I couldn't maintain consistency in my studies, and I was struggling to make passing grades in a couple of my classes. To make matters worse, I let myself become the victim of bullying and harassment; I was making an idiotic spectacle of myself in front of my peers, no matter how many times I tried to stand up for myself. It was only the first semester of my freshman year, and I was already being caught up in the storm of high school drama.

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead

The breaking point came towards the end of that semester. I had been chatting with a classmate on Facebook regarding one of the students who had been bullying me, but misunderstandings led to argument, and it escalated to the point where I, in a fit of uncontrolled rage, sent online threats to peers who I suspected of sympathizing with the bullies. At that point, I felt like the world was falling apart and collapsing on me, and that decision threw me into confusion and self-doubt. I regretted my decision and deleted the filth I had posted up, but the deed had been done.

Soon after, the incident had been reported to the school, and I was subsequently withdrawn from the student roll, a de facto expulsion. The story spread to the other schools in the area; I had to move to a new district, as my family feared backlash from students who heard about this. In addition, I had to be placed in psych rehab for about a month before I was considered fit to go back to school.

I was completely shattered by what I had done, mentally and spiritually. I quietly contemplated suicide while I languished in a sea of regret and helplessness. I didn't see any reason to keep going in life; I felt forever marked by this sin I had committed.

So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

Thank God for a wonderful family I was born into. My parents, in spite of the gravity of the situation, never gave up on me. They worked their butts off finding a new school for me and constantly kept me in their prayers, taking me to see Jesus Himself in the Adoration chapel at St. Catherine's in Glenview. Whatever friends I had left after the incident encouraged me to move on, maintaining my resolve to reform and strengthen myself.


Of all the regret and despair that had flooded my mind during my freshman year, I still had some residue of in spite of successfully finding a new environment to thrive in. "What if it happens again next year? What would I do then?" I still had more questions even after that issue had been resolved (on the surface, at least).

It was then that I stumbled onto this song while I was watching a couple of music videos on TV. The message from Waiting For The End struck deep into my heart. I wasn't alone in struggles such as what I went through. There is hope even in the deepest pitfalls of life. Life in general will be hard and trying, but you can push through, with the added bonus of a support group.

It's been almost eight years since that life event, and I still feel the effects, though in a different light. Though I had been broken down to the core, I found an opportunity to grow and learn from my mistakes. I have a more positive outlook on life; I carry my crosses, but I know it doesn't end on Calvary. Am I still struggling? Of course I am, and life will drag on with such, but at least I know I'm not alone and that I can always reach out for even the tiniest spark of hope.

For those of you who may be struggling right now, I hope this little piece of mine helps, shoddy as it is. If you or someone you know may be contemplating taking your own life, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255; that one call could turn the tide of your life.

To conclude this post: Thank you, Chester. Your music saved this life and countless others; may your work continue to impact lives around the world.

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My Musical Self-Definition

My playlist is full of artists many of my friends haven't even heard of. Sure, I may have the occasional Bruno Mars or Adele hit blasting on my car radio, but I've got a multitude of songs from the likes of Sabaton, Static-X, Death Angel, Pop Evil, and the like. Chances are you've likely never heard about these, either.

It all started when my parents gave me some Elvis and Beatles cassettes--I know, I'm that old--when I was around six years of age. I immediately caught on to this sound and eventually wanted to explore a little more. Of course, I often had 93.9 playing more contemporary hits in the car, but I would also switch on to the oldies station to hear those familiar hits from my cassettes. As a result of my listening trend, my playlist would develop quite differently from my friends'.

Rock was really the genre I was born listening to. With these rock n' roll oldies as my basis, I explored other artists that were influenced by them. I began looking into bands such as AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, etc. I tuned into VH1 Classic to find more bands and songs to listen to. As I delved deeper, the sounds became more heavier; I started to discover my first metal bands such as Slayer, Rob Zombie, and Dethklok. Since then, my primary genre on my playlist has been metal and hard rock. Now I find myself tuning into these hits whenever I drive.

I've attended a few metal concerts recently, and in comparison to other parties where the music primarily was pop or mainstream music, I honestly had more fun at the rock and metal gigs. It felt natural for me to be interacting with familiar music.

Me at Chicago Open Air 2016! (feat. Spidey, Slendy, and Deadpool)

Having a different playlist from my friends has its pros and cons. Although I might share a few songs in common with them, I do brag about having a treasure trove of underground music in the midst of a pop-infested culture (no offense to my pop-loving readers, I like a little Justin Timberlake now and then.). Plus, I like to think I bring something original to a playlist. However, a downside would be feeling rather isolated at a pop-music dominated event. Sure, I can dougie, hit the quan, and whip, but it doesn't have that same feel as witnessing my favorite band rocking out on the stage.

But I think the pros definitely outweigh the cons in my case, at least. I found a niche where I feel unique in my circle of friends. I am different, yet I fit in; this is what I would consider a proper balance of belonging and individuality. I am not isolated, yet I am not fully conformed. It is part of my self-definition.

Standing out never felt so good.

Set on You

One day, when I was about six years old, my dad gave me a couple of Beatles cassettes. Upon the first listen, I instantly fell in love with the band that would be one of my introductions to the world of rock.

At a later point, I began to listen to the solo projects of each member produced after the band's breakup. Recently, I was hearing a song by George Harrison (which I later learned was a cover) called "Got My Mind Set On You".

From my perspective, if the Beatles had continued on past 1970, their sound in the 80s would have been no different than this. George is (currently) my favorite Beatle because of this song. :)

Anyways, I wanted to bring up this song because it provoked quite a few thoughts within me. I've got my mind set on certain goals (not necessarily relationship-wise, as is the main intention of the lyrics), but I know there's time and effort involved in reaching them. But it's good to not jump the gun sometimes, as you might miss important details. It also has proved to be a bit of a motivator as well. I do have a plan of attack set for my future career, and so far, I'm progressing at a steady pace.

Thanks, George.